Did you know that guilt ranks lower on the emotional energy scale than rage and anger?  Because it is an emotion that is directed inward, and not expressed outward like rage and anger are, it can cause great damage in any relationship.  It also can and will cause you great personal suffering.

For years in my marriage I held on to guilt related to finances and childcare.  I stayed at home with our 3 girls when they were younger and since I didn’t make an income, I felt guilty for all the expenses that we had.  A grocery bill of $200.  Even buying gifts for others seemed to me to be an expense to feel guilty over!  On top of that, I would feel guilty that I needed a break from the girls.  This was not something my husband put on me, but feelings I contrived myself, and buried them inside.  My husband had no idea I was feeling this way because I never discussed it with him.

Guilt in both areas led to negative emotional barriers.  I started being sneaky about purchasing things, hiding them, not mentioning them, or paying with my own small checking account if I could.  I would avoid financial conversations at all costs.  I frequently snapped at the kids because I was overwhelmed and then I felt guilty for doing it.  Have you ever felt like this?

In time, I started to become resentful.  Resentful of being home.  Resentful of the small freedoms that having a job outside the home entitled you to, like getting your haircut without prearranging it, and driving in the car alone.  I felt resentful that I was always home (by choice) with my 3 wonderful, healthy, happy and smart girls (doesn’t that sound ridiculous?).  Resentful instead of grateful.

But with help, I began to realize that I was being unreasonable, with myself.  I learned to ask myself the question, “Is it reasonable…” about everything that seemed to be causing me such guilt.  Is it reasonable to feel guilty about buying groceries?  Is it reasonable that I could care for my children all the time, without a break?  Is it reasonable to feel guilty to stay at home, and not be able to contribute financially?  Good questions to ask.  I also learned how to communicate openly about expenses and finances, and to express to my husband when I was feeling overwhelmed and needed a break without guilt.

Guilt causes us to hide within ourselves.  Don’t allow it to secretly rule you. Bring your true feelings out into the light and examine them.  Write out what it is you are feeling guilty about.  Look at in on paper.  Ask yourself if it is reasonable to feel that way.  Most of the times it is not.  But, be willing to forgive yourself if you have done anything wrong, and ask forgiveness of the wronged other as well.  Then you canreasonably move forward, living life in the present, free of unreasonable guilt.

My 3-year-old Amy has an awesome relationship with herself.  Maybe there are some things we can learn from her example?

She is secure in who she is.  When I recently complimented her on how pretty she looked in her new dress she said, “Thank you.”  She didn’t tell me how cheaply she bought it, or complain about how she needs to lose weight, or even question the validity of the compliment with a “Really?  Me?”  How many of us are that secure in ourselves, to just accept a compliment with a simple thank you?

She lives in the present moment. Amy doesn’t plan for tomorrow or regret yesterday.  She simply exists in this moment, as if it were the only moment.  And truth be told…this is the heart of conscious living.  She has it down pat!  It is only as we ‘grow up’ that we take ourselves out of the power of this moment by worry, anxiety, guilt, depression, anticipation, and more…those feeling that keep us in the past or wishing for the future.  How many of us routinely live in the here and now?  I challenge you to do this today.  Attend to what is going on right now, in front of you.

She is daring and unafraid. She learned how to swim when she was only 2 1/2 and has no fear of the water.  She will swim to the bottom of a 7 foot pool to retrieve a toy.  She will also jump off a 7 foot ladder into a pile of pillows on the floor.  This doesn’t make parenting her easy, because she will try anything, but it does make it interesting!  Sometimes the mother instinct that says, ‘be careful’, ‘don’t do that’, or ‘you’re going to hurt yourself’, tries to creep in and offer it’s warning through me.  But isn’t that just projecting our own fear of the unknown onto someone else?  Instead I try to encourage her to go for it!  Yes, she may fail at times, or fall and skin her knee, but isn’t that how life it?  How often do you encourage yourself to try something new or do something daring that is out of your comfort zone?  Or do you hold yourself back with questions of self-doubt, fear of failure or the endless string of ‘what if’s'?

She loves freely.  Routinely Amy will say, without prompting, “I love you Mommy.”  As I was leaving for a class last week she shouted out the front door after me “Remember, I love you!”  And she has no problems expressing to me when she needs love.  She will come to me and say, “I need a hug and a kiss.”  Imagine how your relationships would change if you told the people you cared about that you loved them more often.  Imagine how easy it would be for others to love us if we just told them what we needed, rather than dropping hints, or getting resentful when our partner is not reading our mind.

Lessons from a 3 year old…..

• Be secure in who you are, there is no one exactly like you.  See yourself as God sees you, His perfect creation.
• Live in the present moment.  Not regretting the past or wishing for the future.
• Be willing to take risks, knowing that failure is one sure way to success.   Challenge yourself, and you will be surprised how much you can do!
• Tell your partner, your best friend or you mother you love them routinely, and then make sure that you are stating your own needs too and taking care of yourself.

Are you making it a priority to take care of yourself first?  Do you know that it is not selfish to do so?  Did you know that your job of self care will help not only you, but those around you as well?  Don’t fall victim to an old pattern familiar to many women: Taking care of everyone else first.

When I was a SAHM of 3 young girls, I fell into this negative pattern of putting everyone else first.  Isn’t that what a good mother is supposed to do?  I had this plaguing feeling that doing something for myself would make me selfish.  It’s selfish to want a break from the kids.  It’s selfish to ask your husband, after he had worked all day, to help with the kids or the dishes.  I thought that sacrificing my own needs and giving all my time to the service of others was what I was supposed to do as a mother.  I didn’t realize the simple song I learned in Sunday School 30 years ago was cute but entirely wrong…the chorus went Jesus, then Others, then You what a wonderful way to spell J.O.Y.  But I was anything but joyful, I was resentful, and unhappy.  My normally easy going and funny personality had turned sour, even bitchy, and I wasn’t quite sure why.

Then I learned through a few good books, The Courage to Be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele, and Stand Up for Your Life by Cheryl Richardson, that taking care of yourself first is healthy and necessary.  It is my job to figure out what my needs are, and then fulfill those needs.   The good news is that in doing so I am making it possible to serve others in love, without resentment.  Serving becomes an overflow of the love I have restored inside myself, because I took care of me!  Isn’t that an easier way to live?

Today make it a priority to do something just for you.  Take time to read a favorite book.  Soak your feet in the tub and paint your own toenails, just because it makes you feel pretty.  Close your bedroom door for 20 minutes and lay down on your bed…don’t answer the phone or get up to answer the needs of anyone in your house….and feel good about it!  Indulge in a favorite pass time or hobby long forgotten.  What makes you happy?  It’s your life.  Take time for You.  You’re worth it!